By Subhash Kateel

I have gotten so tired of spending every Columbus Day trying to tell people that celebrating Columbus Day, no matter how, ironically, culturally sensitive its origins are, is just an awful thing to do.  It is even more awful to give people the day off on a day that commemorates a dude that actually kidnapped people.  So instead of trying to get people to stop celebrating, I decided to celebrate in my own way.  I created a #celebratecolumbus hashtag on twitter and inserted my most inspiring thoughts:

1. Sooo, do you mind if I crash at your crib for a day…year…century? 
2. “Officer, I didn’t steal this car. I DISCOVERED it.” 
3. Mlk 2 columbus: “u aren’t american, don’t spk english, entered illegally, & I had problems getting a holiday in AZ?” 
4. Your majesty, it’s curry. I swear. 
5. Cold, unspicy spanish chorizo=progress. 
6. Leif Ericson: “really? That dude gets a fed. Holiday and I don’t?” 
7. U should come with me to meet the king. Do u mind putting these shackles…I mean…magic travel bracelets on first? 
8. An Inca: “right, because we always needed male-pattern baldness in our gene-pool” 
9. A taino: “look if you’re gonna force us to speak spanish, can we at least not speak with that freaking lisp?” 
10. An arawak: “right, so if I don’t read this book that told you not to kill people, you’re gonna kill me? Just…wow” 
11. A mayan: ain’t these the guys that are gonna educate us by forcing us to stop learning math? 
12. Indian in india: “glad that columbus dude didn’t discover us. Wait…you see that ship? Oh, sh*t.” 
13. #celebratecolumbus…Because isn’t Europe a better continent with syphilis? 
14. A Carib:”rotflmao, that dude thinks he is eating a samosa!” 
15. Borinken: “oh sh*t, now they are gonna make us dance like them.” 
16. #celebratecolumbus…because we should always honor the dudes that get lost driving 
17. Iroquois: “Wait, so one day lacrosse will be the whitest sport? smdh” 
18. Wampanoag: “I swear if this dude makes me show him how to pull plants from the ground one more freaking time…” 
19. Taino 2 Taino: “Why these Spaniards so mad?” “Wouldn’t u be mad if the Moors made u eat couscous for a few hundred yrs?” 
20. Tecumseh: “Yeah, you believe in #guncontrol…right” 
21. Mayan 2 Mayan: “dumba$$, I told u to invent googlemaps instead of spending all that time discovering the number zero!” 
22. Iroquois to Mayan: “you mean one day he is gonna teach us about democracy and astronomy? stfuwtbs!” 
23. An aztec: “you want us to destroy our idolatrous statues & gaudy temples and replace them with what again?”
24. Aztec to montezuma: “you fool, if he’s really a god, then why is he sunburned and allergic to mosquito bites?”
25. Mayan architect’ spouse: “all this time you’re spending on pyramids, they r just gonna say that aliens built it anyway”
26. A Mayan: “You know what would be some funny sh*t? Make this calendar end on 2012! Ppl will flip!” 
27. Mexica: “yea man, whatever, we’ll follow your religion. Check out this Virgen de guadelupe shrine.” 
28. Geronimo: “Nah bro, how bout I keep the rifle and you keep the nasty hipster thrift shop blanket!”

I know, you probably think that I have way too much time on my hands.  I don’t.  The truth of Columbus Day is a hard one to reflect on.  Almost as hard as reflecting on the stuff Columbus actually said…in his own journals:

“They [the Arawak] are the best people in the
world and above all the gentlest—without knowledge of what is evil—nor
do they murder or steal…they love their neighbors as themselves and they
have the sweetest talk in the world…always laughing…They are very simple and honest and exceedingly liberal with all
they have, none of them refusing anything he may possess when he is
asked for it. They exhibit great love toward all others in preference to
themselves…They would make fine servants. With fifty men we could
subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want.”


I want you to read that a few times and think about it.  This is the man we celebrate.  This is the mentality we celebrate.  A lot of people, when I talk about this seriously, instead of in crazy, ranting hashtagged tweets, will tell me that this is the past and that we should stop focusing on it.  If we should stop focusing on it, we should stop celebrating it, too.  Feel free to check out this article by the late Howard Zinn.

Let’s keep moving forward by celebrating the values and attributes that we aspire to and the people that represent them.

I’m out.