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by Subhash Kateel

I think about Herman Cain damn near everyday.  I am pretty sure a lot of people in Florida do.  I can’t help it; I live by a Godfather’s Pizza.  Say what you want about him, but Godfather’s is damn good pizza.  When I first moved from Brooklyn to Miami, I laughed when people told me that I can get the best pizza in Florida at a gas station.  But it’s true, the stuff is like crystal meth (I am tired of crack metaphors and similes-you know sentencing disparities and all). 

But every time I think of Godfather’s business model, I start wondering why anybody would support Herman Cain for president.  Don’t get me wrong, he is by far the most entertaining candidate. People really relate to him because everyone has a relative like him.  For real, think about the outspoken uncle that has something crazy to say about everything political, the one that has everyone rolling on the floor laughing when he says that we can end racism by faking an alien invasion, or that every politician should take drugs at least once if they really want to know how to fight the drug war.  And you keep telling yourself, “my uncle is funny as hell, but good thing he’s not president.”  Yeah, well that uncle is officially running.
Besides the whole crazy uncle routine, Herman Cain’s other selling point is the businessman job-creator thing.  I guess I kinda get it.  During a recession, people think that if the country needs jobs, and businessmen have businesses that have jobs, they must know how to create them. Some people are so sold on this idea that they will even support a bad businessman for governor (Florida, I see you).
After driving around the state. I realize one thing about Herman Cain’s job creation model.  At first I thought it was just the one by my house, but every damn Godfather’s Pizza I have ever seen is in a gas station.  The one where I live is a gas station+ Dunkin Donuts + Blimpie’s Subs + bootleg hot dog stand + Godfather’s Pizza.  Every time I go in, the nice lady that makes my pizza sometimes makes the Blimpie’s sandwiches, sells the lottery tickets, works the gas counter, and stocks the shelves.  There are never more than three employees in the whole station. 
If you just judge Godfather’s business model by what I see everyday, it is all about putting a pizza stand in a gas station with four other businesses and getting the workers there to do four jobs for the pay of one.  If you judge Herman Cain’s job creation plan by what I see everyday, he would probably create a lot of jobs, like four per a person…for the same pay as one.
You got to hand it to Uncle Herman, he’s a hustler, he makes good pizza, and he’s funny.    He is everything you would want in a crazy uncle.    Good thing he ain’t president.   

NOTE:  This blog was written before I read the news about the new sexual harassment scandal this morning.